The Unexpected Places Our Grief Takes Us

Outside of health food stores, window light-filled shops with handmade goods, farmers markets, feed stores and tack shops… I don’t enjoy going out shopping. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve stepped into a Walmart in the last five years. 😂

But after my Mom died, the first place I managed to go, other than the barn to find solace with Emma, was Walmart in the dark at 9pm.

I didn’t know how to breathe without crying. I couldn’t understand how I was still alive in a world where my Mom wasn’t. And yet… when I needed to take that first step back into the world, there I was under the brightest lights, jam-packed aisles with the loudest sounds.

But the magic of Walmart? It didn’t matter that I’d been crying for a week or two straight with no sleep. It didn’t matter that it was late and I looked like someone who was in absolute shambles. Because Walmart is filled with people who are also going through it 🤣

Somehow, in the aisles of Walmart, I found a thread of laughter again. A moment of lightness. A tiny spark of remembering that maybe not every moment had to be so heavy.

And now, deep in the grief of losing my heart horse Emma and my identity as a horse guardian, I found myself once again… in Walmart. Wearing my bathing suit in public after my first beach day in almost three years. Here, I found new beach shoes, summer dresses, PJs, a linen shirt, and, most importantly, I found laughter and levity, as well as the permission to be a mess and still enjoy this life as I am.

When self-doubt and fear of judgment crept in, I whispered to myself, “Hey. I’m just having a Walmart people moment.” And I giggled. A lot.

There will be days when I’m back to my polished self, like today. Fully dressed with a bra and underwear, a beautiful dress, a gold necklace and rings all polished as my best self.

But first, I needed this. I needed to be a little wild and a mess. I needed to laugh and cry in the aisles without worry or shame. I needed to just be.

Sometimes, in grief, the most healing thing we can do is to love ourselves as we are each day and reconnect with the part of us that’s still alive in the absurdity of it all, and embrace the mess.